poor penis tattoos part 1

This is going to take a while. I didn’t want to do this, but mankind hasn’t given me much of a choice. There’s no tasteful way to do this.

We need to sit down and have a serious talk about penis tattoos.

You may be asking yourself why – we’ve talked about penis tattoos before on occasion – we’ve even had an uncomfortable conversation about penis swastikas! What more could there possibly be to say???

Oh good lord. SO MUCH. My inbox is full of penises! There are so many I’m breaking this into two horribly scarring posts.

There are people made out of penises:

Take it one step farther and you get people made out of penises with penises on their ass:

There are shark-penises:

There are scorpion-penises:

There are a lot of butterflies made out of penises (pictured in ascending order of BARFness):

There are penis tattoos that look like an 11 year old wielded a needle and ink:

There is even a fairly famous penis-unicorn!

Are you still hanging in there? I know there’ve been a LOT of dicks up on your computer screen already!

Here’s the “sweet Jesus you need therapy” variation:


I will say this as a person who appreciates penises – they are very nice! They’re beautiful somewhat unique snowflakes. I will give each of these idiots 10 points for showing a little more creativity than these vagina-wearing folk, but in the end this all boils down to one truth: there is not a single tattoo up there that is improved by the presence of a penis in it, particularly the ones that think they’re being clever and interesting by including a penis in their tattoo. Sticking a penis on something doesn’t improve its merit – it just improves its penis-quotient. These variables are not one in the same. You all look like tools.

Verdict: so unfuckable it pains me